got home early this morning after having spent a week with my younger son varun who is in the throes of his class xii exams at the valley school just outside b'lore. stuck in the boonies with a pathetically weak cellphone signal that would go into spasms every time i went anywhere close to it (ever tiptoed around your phone?) and accessibility to the net so sporadic that i soon gave up, the choice was to either attempt to help varun prepare for his accounts paper ( the very thought has people who know me go into convulsions!) or simply melt into timelessness. no prizes for guessing what i chose! accounts!! ha! gotcha there, didn't i? oi - zest kiddin'! considering that the timelessness gig seemed to come so naturally to me! but much to my indignation i discovered that it came with a price - something i hadn't quite bargained for. dualities! not again! although i have been haunted by them ever since the workshop (oh i do so love the sound of "the workshop" - a bit like "he who must not be named"!! mysterious and fuzzy edged!!) - its been a rather benign variety of haunting - a little vague, relatively pleasant in an abstract way - like a child playing around your legs while you are reading the morning papers. but this time the haunting was more aggressive - a definite pulling at the sleeve variety!
sitting on the steps outside the school guest house with the summer stricken forest of sandalwood and teak trees across the path shedding their crisp brown leaves it was easy to fall into the quietness of the spaces between the empty branches. to sense from far the texture of their bark and feel the hurried scurry of a startled squirrel upon my skin. hey this strange sense of falling inward and stumbling outward at the same time was fun! and with a bit of effort i could do it in the dining hall too - find a silent space between the chattering voices of children and quickly squeeze into it and from there all senses would melt into each other. till i'd suddenly become aware of varun looking at me and bursting into laughter - " mom - you're looking so funny eating in slow motion" - and stamping his feet in gleeful mirth. oops!!
and so i got to thinking/sensing/feeling/wondering .............
inside / outside
stillness / movement
order / chaos
ease / dis-ease
me / not me
here / there
sense / non-sense
and more ..... oh yes - much much more ..............
one evening when we were walking up the uneven mud path to his room in the hostel i decided to walk backwards. varun, long since having learnt to take such 'episodes' in his stride, merely gave me an indulgent look which immediately prompted me into explaining (not without a lofty albeit wicked grin!) ...... "simply going forward while walking backward".
and the integration goes on ........ :)
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