FROM 'THE DANCE WITHIN' WORKSHOP

PAIN

pooja's lovely mail has got me thinking about the nature of pain. that pain exists in two dimensions - the physical (rooted in the body and stored as somatic/muscle memory) and the non- physical (mental, spiritual, emotional). the non-physical is of course more nebulous, more hard to reach, to pin down, to understand, to make 'sense' of. it largely belongs to the domain of the mind and is subject to its infinite idiosyncrasies. and yet that's the level we grapple with most of the time in our attempt to make 'sense' and thus acquire some degree of control. whereas the physical aspects/manifestations of pain are rather more concrete. here, with a little bit of attention, one can actually 'sense' the pain. ('sensing' is after all a physical process as the senses are rooted in the physical body, and therefore it makes sense that 'making sense' be a physical process too!). and then it suddenly becomes more tangible and less abstract and often a trifle easier to deal with. you know, i've tried this - and not just with pain - but with all kinds of 'undesired' emotions (fear, nervousness, anxiety, shame, etc) - this process of trying to recognise where in my body do i feel the pain/discomfort and then trying to ease it - making it more comfortable - much like stretching a stiff muscle or gently working on a cramp - by paying attention to it, listening to it, singing to it, dancing with it - persuading it to smile again! and when the body smiles again can the mind resist?

A PEEK AT THE WEEK AT VALLEY

18th march '10

got home early this morning after having spent a week with my younger son varun who is in the throes of his class xii exams at the valley school just outside b'lore. stuck in the boonies with a pathetically weak cellphone signal that would go into spasms every time i went anywhere close to it (ever tiptoed around your phone?) and accessibility to the net so sporadic that i soon gave up, the choice was to either attempt to help varun prepare for his accounts paper ( the very thought has people who know me go into convulsions!) or simply melt into timelessness. no prizes for guessing what i chose! accounts!! ha! gotcha there, didn't i? oi - zest kiddin'! considering that the timelessness gig seemed to come so naturally to me! but much to my indignation i discovered that it came with a price - something i hadn't quite bargained for. dualities! not again! although i have been haunted by them ever since the workshop (oh i do so love the sound of "the workshop" - a bit like "he who must not be named"!! mysterious and fuzzy edged!!) - its been a rather benign variety of haunting - a little vague, relatively pleasant in an abstract way - like a child playing around your legs while you are reading the morning papers. but this time the haunting was more aggressive - a definite pulling at the sleeve variety!

sitting on the steps outside the school guest house with the summer stricken forest of sandalwood and teak trees across the path shedding their crisp brown leaves it was easy to fall into the quietness of the spaces between the empty branches. to sense from far the texture of their bark and feel the hurried scurry of a startled squirrel upon my skin. hey this strange sense of falling inward and stumbling outward at the same time was fun! and with a bit of effort i could do it in the dining hall too - find a silent space between the chattering voices of children and quickly squeeze into it and from there all senses would melt into each other. till i'd suddenly become aware of varun looking at me and bursting into laughter - " mom - you're looking so funny eating in slow motion" - and stamping his feet in gleeful mirth. oops!!

and so i got to thinking/sensing/feeling/wondering .............

inside / outside

stillness / movement

order / chaos

ease / dis-ease

me / not me

here / there

sense / non-sense

and more ..... oh yes - much much more ..............

one evening when we were walking up the uneven mud path to his room in the hostel i decided to walk backwards. varun, long since having learnt to take such 'episodes' in his stride, merely gave me an indulgent look which immediately prompted me into explaining (not without a lofty albeit wicked grin!) ...... "simply going forward while walking backward".

and the integration goes on ........ :)

WHALESONG (written with radha)

We sailed upon the deepest blue

Mast ahigh and compass true

In search of the dreams of rebel kings -

The star under which the big whale sings.

Salty waves lapped at our hull

And midnight rain fell damp and dull

Whistling winds swelled with whisperings -

Of the rhythm to which the big whale sings.

Spray hit cold upon our cheek

Stinging spirits rendered weak

'Listen!' it hissed its urgent tidings

'To the tune of the song the big whale sings'.

‘Tunes which of untold stories tell

And free you from your creviced cell

To soar upon unfolded wings

Over the horizon where the big whale sings.’

So spirits woke in the thick deluge

That left no place to take refuge

And began to fill with strange longings -

The magic of the song the big whale sings.

The ship it tossed in the churning sea

And turned and sank to set us free

To find the land of the rebel kings

And learn the song the big whale sings.

Thus each let loose in the endless sky

Did stretch his wings and learn to fly

And dream a dream of new beginnings

And sing along as the big whale sings.

A THOUGHT

thinking is conditional, sensing is free.

SCENT OF NIGHT

i cannot sleep . . . . . . .
timeless hour beckons,
and i am lured into the silence
of the cimmerian sky -
dancing specks of wicked temptation . . . . .
i squeeze the midnight air -
droplets of jasmine scent
upon my tongue
and drink of dark desolation.