FROM 'THE DANCE WITHIN' WORKSHOP

PAIN

pooja's lovely mail has got me thinking about the nature of pain. that pain exists in two dimensions - the physical (rooted in the body and stored as somatic/muscle memory) and the non- physical (mental, spiritual, emotional). the non-physical is of course more nebulous, more hard to reach, to pin down, to understand, to make 'sense' of. it largely belongs to the domain of the mind and is subject to its infinite idiosyncrasies. and yet that's the level we grapple with most of the time in our attempt to make 'sense' and thus acquire some degree of control. whereas the physical aspects/manifestations of pain are rather more concrete. here, with a little bit of attention, one can actually 'sense' the pain. ('sensing' is after all a physical process as the senses are rooted in the physical body, and therefore it makes sense that 'making sense' be a physical process too!). and then it suddenly becomes more tangible and less abstract and often a trifle easier to deal with. you know, i've tried this - and not just with pain - but with all kinds of 'undesired' emotions (fear, nervousness, anxiety, shame, etc) - this process of trying to recognise where in my body do i feel the pain/discomfort and then trying to ease it - making it more comfortable - much like stretching a stiff muscle or gently working on a cramp - by paying attention to it, listening to it, singing to it, dancing with it - persuading it to smile again! and when the body smiles again can the mind resist?

A PEEK AT THE WEEK AT VALLEY

18th march '10

got home early this morning after having spent a week with my younger son varun who is in the throes of his class xii exams at the valley school just outside b'lore. stuck in the boonies with a pathetically weak cellphone signal that would go into spasms every time i went anywhere close to it (ever tiptoed around your phone?) and accessibility to the net so sporadic that i soon gave up, the choice was to either attempt to help varun prepare for his accounts paper ( the very thought has people who know me go into convulsions!) or simply melt into timelessness. no prizes for guessing what i chose! accounts!! ha! gotcha there, didn't i? oi - zest kiddin'! considering that the timelessness gig seemed to come so naturally to me! but much to my indignation i discovered that it came with a price - something i hadn't quite bargained for. dualities! not again! although i have been haunted by them ever since the workshop (oh i do so love the sound of "the workshop" - a bit like "he who must not be named"!! mysterious and fuzzy edged!!) - its been a rather benign variety of haunting - a little vague, relatively pleasant in an abstract way - like a child playing around your legs while you are reading the morning papers. but this time the haunting was more aggressive - a definite pulling at the sleeve variety!

sitting on the steps outside the school guest house with the summer stricken forest of sandalwood and teak trees across the path shedding their crisp brown leaves it was easy to fall into the quietness of the spaces between the empty branches. to sense from far the texture of their bark and feel the hurried scurry of a startled squirrel upon my skin. hey this strange sense of falling inward and stumbling outward at the same time was fun! and with a bit of effort i could do it in the dining hall too - find a silent space between the chattering voices of children and quickly squeeze into it and from there all senses would melt into each other. till i'd suddenly become aware of varun looking at me and bursting into laughter - " mom - you're looking so funny eating in slow motion" - and stamping his feet in gleeful mirth. oops!!

and so i got to thinking/sensing/feeling/wondering .............

inside / outside

stillness / movement

order / chaos

ease / dis-ease

me / not me

here / there

sense / non-sense

and more ..... oh yes - much much more ..............

one evening when we were walking up the uneven mud path to his room in the hostel i decided to walk backwards. varun, long since having learnt to take such 'episodes' in his stride, merely gave me an indulgent look which immediately prompted me into explaining (not without a lofty albeit wicked grin!) ...... "simply going forward while walking backward".

and the integration goes on ........ :)

WHALESONG (written with radha)

We sailed upon the deepest blue

Mast ahigh and compass true

In search of the dreams of rebel kings -

The star under which the big whale sings.

Salty waves lapped at our hull

And midnight rain fell damp and dull

Whistling winds swelled with whisperings -

Of the rhythm to which the big whale sings.

Spray hit cold upon our cheek

Stinging spirits rendered weak

'Listen!' it hissed its urgent tidings

'To the tune of the song the big whale sings'.

‘Tunes which of untold stories tell

And free you from your creviced cell

To soar upon unfolded wings

Over the horizon where the big whale sings.’

So spirits woke in the thick deluge

That left no place to take refuge

And began to fill with strange longings -

The magic of the song the big whale sings.

The ship it tossed in the churning sea

And turned and sank to set us free

To find the land of the rebel kings

And learn the song the big whale sings.

Thus each let loose in the endless sky

Did stretch his wings and learn to fly

And dream a dream of new beginnings

And sing along as the big whale sings.

A THOUGHT

thinking is conditional, sensing is free.

SCENT OF NIGHT

i cannot sleep . . . . . . .
timeless hour beckons,
and i am lured into the silence
of the cimmerian sky -
dancing specks of wicked temptation . . . . .
i squeeze the midnight air -
droplets of jasmine scent
upon my tongue
and drink of dark desolation.

THEN I SHALL WAKE

when night returns
upon the wings
of hooting owls,

then shall i wake
to a different dawn.

QUESTION

if you were guaranteed complete anonymity what is the most reckless thing you would do?

AM CONVINCED .......

.......... that the longest journeys are those that are undertaken without moving an inch!

LAND OF SPIRIT DRUMS

Like thirsty beasts we onward lurched
With dragging feet and vacant eyes
As spectral shadows loomed around
And wailing wisps rose from the ground.

Behind us lay a darkened land
With tombstones littered dull and grey
And wilted flowers lay beside
Sorrows that they could not hide.

Where eerie winds had filled us each
With cold despair and aching chill
As silence echoed from do’med halls
And crumbling splendor of ruined walls.

Until one dawn a drop of dew
Had hung above the huddled mass
And pulsating with a celestial light
Lifted stones against the weight of night.

And straining through the murky mist
The distant sound of drunken drums
Called out with a haunting beat
Raising us from dead defeat.

We'd staggered forth in ragged file
Still clinging to the musty soil
Of decayed dreams and tired hope
That hung on us like knotted rope.

The drums beat on their rhythm mad
Awakening us from years of sleep
And luring us to lift our gaze
Drew us deep into the haze.

We stepped into a shimmering blaze
That heaved and throbbed with cosmic life
Invading every cell and pore
That dormant lay from times of yore.

What is this place, we whispered low
Our voices hoarse with fear and awe,
Where colours melt to smell and sight
And notes erupt at the touch of light?

Where distance seems to hover close
And heavy lightness ensconces you?
Where vibrant hues stain every thing
And every sense just longs to sing?

The drumbeats sounded closer now
Devoid of earthly form or shape
Spiked our blood with spirits new
And filled our souls with drops of dew.

We surrendered to the insane tunes
Not knowing yet from where they rose
So bent our heads to listen true
And found they rose from me and you!

EMPTY

i have no words
to string in rhyme
nor thoughts profound
or songs sublime

???

is this what i was meant to be?
is this to be my destiny?
thinner than gossamer
lighter than air,
an endless cobweb across an endless sea?

YEAH!

when all possibilities have been exhausted then it's time for the impossible!

YOU ARE .......

....... a leaf being lifted
by the heaving waves of yore
as they lay you gently
upon some distant unknown shore.
you are the whispered touch
of a careless thief,
the ghost that haunts
the glistening graveyards of grief.
below the writhing living flesh
you are the symphony of pain,
the unnamed force that urges life
into the soil of hope again.
you are the firmament
that yields before my gaze,
the sentinels of stillness
that in silken shadows laze.
you are the death of a dreamless night
that wakens to the truth of light,
an unsung song that drips
from searching fingertips.
you are the silent spaces that lie
between surging sky and starlit street,
the grains of sand that shift
beneath my dancing feet.
you are the rhythm that beats
within the sepulchral hollows of my chest,
the maestro that sinks me
into deep and sinless rest.

HEALING

when i can experience a memory with neither a sense of longing nor loss, i know i have recovered.

AGONDA WAVES

you came to me with easy grace
imprinting silent words upon my face
and rose above the moonlit skies
tumultous desire in your eyes
your touch a whisper on my skin
i dared not breathe out or breathe in
through the night of crashing seas
you played your secret melodies
and we rode the waves just you and i
till they quietened with a gentle sigh
and dawn crept in beneath the door
throwing tentative shadows on the floor
and a sudden stray strand of light
that put to shame the dark of night
carved lines of longing upon your face
as i came to you with easy grace

NOTHING LESS

you watched us through shuttered eyes
sensing every breath and thought
and with wicked fingers
played tunes upon our souls.
what did you see in the purple haze
as we shifted and settled
in ever changing ripples
to the refrain of your mystic call?
you sat there unmovingly still
creating phantom images
in our fevered brains
with a flourish of your irreverent wrist.
was it the quiet smile i saw
steal across your weathered face
that urged new grace into faded hope
and destroyed the myth of destiny?
you reached out from the end of time
wanting nothing more and nothing less
than to show us all
a glimpse of paradise!

DARK KNIGHT

when spirits flagged and hope despaired
and darkness spilt into the day,
when heart and head were running scared
and faith had simply walked away,
when shadows lurked at every turn
and waters seemed so black and deep,
when all my heart could do was churn
and nights were days that lacked in sleep,
when there was no hand for me to hold
and life seemed like a haunted park
with ominous shadows looming cold -
you came along and switched off the dark!

By Edwin Markham

he drew a circle that shut me out -
heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
but love and i had the wit to win:
we drew a circle that took him in!

BLUE MOON SEDUCTION - 31st dec 2009

into the night we spilled
weary, ecstatic, chilled -
they said the moon was blue.

flames of music leapt up high
towards the viscous vaulted sky -
they said the moon was blue.

crimson warmth began to seep
awakening spirits from the deep -
they said the moon was blue.

drenched in cosmic dreams she whirled
and dizzy twisted, turned and twirled -
it's the moon, they said, the moon is blue.

ghost child, woman, temptress of the dark
whisper of wind and flicker of spark -
it's the moon, they said, the moon is blue.

she hung between the sky and earth
her heart aburn with secret mirth -
it's the moon, they said, the moon is blue.

she rose and sank and rose again
purging ancient layers of pain -
oh damn the moon for being blue.

anguished prayer in every limb
she danced until her soul was numb -
oh damn the moon for being blue.

then slowly to the ground she fell
dead? alive? no one could tell -
oh damn the moon for being blue.

they dared not speak for fear to stir
the force that seemed to possess her -
be still my love - the moon is blue.

with frozen breath and halted beat
the music melted to the heat -
be still my love - the moon is blue.

and the fire with a final flame
gave in to its own infernal game
be still my love - the moon is blue.

they lifted her on wings of will
and cupped their palms and drank their fill -
of the night that shone with a moon so blue.

at last they stood and homage paid
to truth of love and beauty shared -
and blessed the moon for being blue.
and blessed the moon for being blue.

BY YOUR GRACE

i have known paradise
for i have known you
like the raindrop that falls
from a quivering leaf
to be soaked into
the thirsty earth.
i have known paradise
for i have known you
like the smile upon an old man's lips
when he beholds
the wonder of the years gone by.
i have known paradise
for i have known you
like the sea curls
around the salty battlements
of castled sand.
i have known paradise
for i have known you
like the eagle that wings
patterns of fantasy
across the sunset sky.
i have known paradise
for ............
i have known you.

DRINKING - (An old favourite by Abraham Cowley)

the thirsty earth soaks up the rain
and drinks, and gapes for drink again.
the plants suck in the earth, and are
with constant drinking fresh and fair;
the sea itself - which one would think
should have but little need for drink -
drinks ten thousand rivers up,
so filled that they o'erflow the cup.
the busy sun - and one would guess
by's drunken fiery face no less -
drinks up the sea, and when he's done,
the moon and stars drink up the sun.
they drink and dance by their own light,
they drink and revel all the night.
nothing in nature's sober found,
but an eternal health goes around.
fill up the bowl then, fill it high,
fill up the glasses there; for why
should every creature drink but i;
why, man of morals, tell me why?

A GIFT

i sit and wonder what i'd do
if i could choose a gift for you .....
the crescent moon that's hanging high?
the stars that pin night to the sky?
perhaps a leaf from the tallest tree?
or a gentle wave from the deepest sea?
a cloud? a rainbow? winter chill?
some wine that you may drink your fill?
a silent touch? a lightening streak?
a wish you find all that you seek?
tomorrow? today? the here and now?
i wish were mine to give you somehow.
till then, my friend, i hope you'll deign
to accept the love these words contain,
for someday when i'm big and strong
(and i hope that won't take very long!)
all these and more in colours gay
i'll wrap for you on your special day!